Brain is The New Boobs

As for the bandwagon of girls who have adopted the saying that “ALL GUYS ARE THE SAME” as their praise and worship song or subscribed to all other notions that are related to the saying that guys are totally and mentally controlled by there ever stubborn and excited d**ks or c**ks or any funny name you call the little man below the belt, it’s not like I disagree with you but there is always an error of exception in every gross generalisation.
To intentionally or unintentionally attract and secure the attention of any responsible guy who is serious with life and will in turn respect you for something, you have to do something above or a little more than appearing indecently naked in public places, going to very club and when you hear its young john the wicked producer, you start twerking like your whole life depends on it, Or becoming a sex ATM or device by sharing sex like a priest sharing holy communion in the church, or become a walking sub-division of cosmetic and fashion industries by investing recklessly on your appearance while you starve your brain and common sense to death.
Of course, when you do everything listed above as common as they are, every guy will feed their eyes as far as that has not yet been made illegal, then a particular bunch of guys will flock around you and make you feel like the queen of 21st century flexing world and commander in chief of the federal republic of boys. These guys will feed you with the best garnished delicacies of beautiful delicious lies in the arsenal of every guy’s wooing menu, and trust me; you are going to like the temporal feeling you get from it while it lasts.
To be brutally honest with you, girls like this are part of the main reason why some guys use demeaning and disgusting words like “fish brain”, “cheap article” and “public toilet” to describe some girls.
Still on a honest note, the most honest time in every guy’s life is when he sits in company of a group of guys whom he is very comfortable with (guys of the same blood group, if you know what I mean) and that is when even the guys who flock around you will celebrate and advertise your foolishness in your absence to others, to make matters worse, guys who know you will point at you, tap their fellow guy and ask, F**KABLE OR WIFEABLE???? You can guess the answer to that question because your answer is as good as correct.
Am not about to encourage laziness or laxity but if you like you can cook indomie with granulated sugar and a mixture of hypo and detol or be a kitchen pro. If you like do laundry and house chores more than a housemaid from Ogoni or Akwa Ibom (they are hardworking girls, no offence intended) or not. If you like have a look of a miss world contestant or a village masquerade. If you like set monkey, butterfly and dog style in bed like a prostitute with 35 years working experience and a PhD in prostitutionology. Whichever one you do is all good for you but when you are intellectually productive, you already have a little above average or pass mark in the sight of the opposite sex, every other thing is secondary and negotiable.
Mind you, intellectual productivity is not just and only going to school and passing your exams with good grades, you can be the best in academics and still be eligible or most qualified for a certificate or award for the dumbest creature that planet earth has ever accommodated, yes I said so!
Intellectual productivity is simply investing in or feeding your brain by doing damage to your ignorance in almost everything, by everything here I mean the good, the bad and the baddest. The result of this is exclusively and unimaginably perfect because you will be transformed to the point that every aspect of your life will be affected (appearance/ modus operandi/ behaviour/ interaction/ all round skills in everywhere including the kitchen and the other room e.t.c)
In a close contact or conversation with a person who is intellectually productive, you will literally and figuratively see perfect sense, impressions and ideas of golden and diamond value coming out of them all in form of words and action, that’s what i meant when i said exclusively and unimaginably perfect. The more intellectually productive you are, the more you attract reasonable people to yourself even without knowing. The advantages of intellectual productivity cannot be over emphasised or encapsulated, in fact there are no dull moments with people of intellectual productivity.
Our dear human creatures of feminine characteristics, in the sight of the guys who are able to identify, respect, appreciate and love the good things of life, if you are intellectually productive and you apply prudence and moderation to all you do, no matter in what capacity you are serving, as a sister or platonic friend or girlfriend/ex gf or wife/ex wife, church member, school or course mate, YOU WILL ALWAYS BE BAE, ANY DAY, ANYTIME!!!
#Copyright c 2016, EMMANUEL MONSI

Diamond and A Torch

I stood there at the river bank, stark naked, About to take my own destiny in my hands. With the whole village watching and my mother cried and begged me not to jump into the river.

Just two days ago news came into the village that there is something strange in the river, we all rushed to see what this might be but all we saw was a glow in the river something shinning with a great light as bright as oga Ebere's bulb when he puts on his new generator.
All our lives in that village we have never seen such not even our fore fathers witnessed a thing like this in their time. Like typical villagers we could only come up with a conclusion that it must be diamonds from a python's head based on the myths we've been told about pythons.

We all wanted this diamond as it looks like a blessing from the gods, but we were all scared to dive in and claim it, and since it was found in the community stream it means it belongs to the whole village.

It became a question of who will bell the cat, what if the python is just resting or what if it was a trap set for anyone who will dive in to claim it.
Though we've been warned by the elders not to mention it to anyone outside our small community so the next villages will not hear of it and partake in the blessing our gods have gifted us with. We are still looking for who to go in and bring out this precious stone and the day is almost gone, night has come upon us and the diamonds shine brighter from under water.

As night draws closer my mind is been made up but then I needed some sort of protection in case I encounter any strange force, "I will cross the big river to the next village" I said to myself "I hear they have powerful native doctors there".
While I was plotting my way on getting the diamond. Our village pastor whom we've all known as onye-ukachukwu has gone to the stream with a bottle of schnapp and some cola nut to appease the gods of the water and thanking it for the blessing it brought our way. The whole village was surprised that a Pastor will be giving in to fetish gods, then I knew how powerful that diamond must be and it's worth must be very huge.

At this point my mind is made up, I will be the hero the village is clamouring for, if I get this diamond out of the water, even though it proceeds will be shared by the community, I am sure I will get the lion share.
I took the small money I had on me went to the market and bought a goat then I went to the river and boarded a boat to the next village and I wasn't disappointed, I did meet a powerful native doctor who did some charm for me and he gave me some eggs and other materials I will use for incantations after collecting my goat.
That same night I went back to the village with an instruction that the incantation must be done stark naked without any cloths before I go in to claim the precious stone that will transform my life and that of my family for good.

That morning I woke up early and headed straight to the river where this great diamond that has given my people a cause of concern, my mother had pleaded that I don't do it, it is better we be in poverty than I go and kill myself, but I've made up my mind already, it is better I die trying to get rich than remain in a state of squalor.
News has gotten to the village about my bravery and like it was the village masquerade festival everyone have gathered at the stream waiting for me to do what no one was brave enough to do.
I have broken two eggs already standing fully naked in the midst of the entire village, even the elders of the village stood and watch while I make myself a hero for the village, as I broke the last egg and did the final incantation I jumped right into the river and headed straight down to the bottom but what I saw was different from what the community was actually waiting for.

I stayed under the water for some minutes and some where already thinking I was dead or maybe it was too heavy for me to pull out but I was stuck with great disappointment and I couldn't just come out with what I saw in place of the claimed diamond.
Finally I decided to surface out of the water to show my people that my bravery was actually vain, instead of the diamond I came out with a torch in my hand, which probably was dropped off by one of those night fishermen.

As I stood with the torch in my hand, I watched everyone walking out feeling disappointed and not even a sign of pity for my wasted effort, I thought about my goat, the journey to the native doctor for protection, the millions I would have made from the sale of the torch or diamond.
I was too dumbfounded to leave the spot, the water has dried off from my body. Now instead of feeling like a hero I felt more stupid in the sight of the entire village.

Till this day I'm been called diamond man, just for expressing my stupidity for a common torch.

The Other Room

Nigerians are known fir trolling on issues and events as they come maybe even make a statement about it.
There was a time it was 'OGA AT THE TOP' and a certain NSCDC top official suffered for it for not knowing the website of his organisation and goofing on national TV, Nigerians even went as far as making a T shirt just for it.
Then there was DIA 'RIS GOD that became a national slogan thanks to our then first lady whose office was not in the other room or kitchen.

Well this brings me to the most famous comedian Nigeria has at the moment, a devoted traveller and a lover of cartoons on newspaper, well if you piece everything up and concludes I am talking about President Muhammadu Buhari aka PMB well you are on your own.

Recently the first lady was talking to journalist on BBC showing how displeased she was with the way her husband and his friends (sorry cabinet) are running the country and unlike Monica Lewinsky who has promised to support the wife of her customer running for president (what am I even writing sef, sorry she said she will vote for Hillary Clinton instead of Donald Trump, who might invite her to the white house and grab her couchie) madam Aisha said she won't support her husband come 2019.

Trust bubu na, this time Lai muhammed was even shocked at his comment when he said he don't know which party his wife belongs to that her place is in the kitchen and THE OTHER ROOM and he was actually with a woman occupying the same position with him.
Well who knows maybe Aisha is very fantastic in the other room. Just after we celebrated the international girl child day encouraging education for the girl child our own president just made us understand while we were busy doing #istandwithgirls he was in THE OTHER ROOM doing only God knows what, (me I wasn't there so I can't really explain if he was lying or sitting down)

Well while everyone thinks it's morally wrong for uncle Bubu to say such we are still waiting on Lai Muhammed's version because it seems he always have something different to say about everything.

I guess I should just go to the other room and wait for your comments please who is joining me.

CHANGE

"Hold your change oh, if you no hold change I take God name beg you no enter oh" he shouted with his hoax voice more terrible than a croaking frog as his passengers entered the bus.
He has a rugged look, one that could easily point out that he is a motor park tout, there is a scar visibly marked on his neck probably from a bottle stab in a fight, his eyes were blood shot red, I doubt if they have ever been white.

I entered quietly and sat next to this fat woman with three children which she've decided to carry on her laps as well as inconvenience other passengers which happened to be me sitting next to her and immediately she gave me a warm smile and turned me into a baby sitter. Good thing I was wearing black so whatever stain may come from the child won't affect me. Then I thought about how people could trust a stranger with their child but won't with any other valuables they have on them.

On the course of the journey I found out that the child's name is Ozioma and he was rather weighty for his age, it was more like I was carrying a fat adult male than a five years old boy, I was just thinking if the boy feeds on stone that is making him that heavy.
Then the scary looking conductor brought me back to reality and asked for my bus fare there and then I realised I was having a thousand naira note on me.

Just to avoid being beaten up by this conductor who has already lost some teeth I presume was from a previous battle and is willing to loose more if anyone dares him. I decided to pay for my new madam and her stone of child who I gave space to sit on his own and one fine yellow sisi who I almost mistook as an albino, I wouldn't say she bleached to get to that condition she found herself.
Then I realised the power of change and how much power an ordinary bus conductor could possibly have if you disobeys his command.

Sugar Sugar

'Sugar sugar' that was a name I grew up to know everyone called me. I was just ten but my curiosity has taken a better part of me why I was called that in place of my real name moses.

Like every child being mischievous was just part of growing up but when you get naughty and do what grown ups do then it's way off.
I grew up from a rather terrible environment. Our house was located behind some brothels and seeing naked women from a very young age affected the way I think, it's normal for children to do what they see adults do around them and my case wasn't a different.

I decided to ask around to know what warranted that name sugar sugar, so they asked if I don't remember and I asked "remembered what", then came the story about my first sexual experience.
I was just 5 years old and like what I have been seeing those prostitutes (popularly called ashewo) do with their customers I decided to try it on this girl just same age too. On the heat of our sexcapade we were caught and punished for our sinful act at such a young age and then they asked me how it felt like and I was just being honest and said 'SUGAR SUGAR' and that was it, it became a nickname that stuck with me for a greater part of my life.

All grown now and remembering the event and it all sounded funny to me.

Secondary Crush

I saw her today for the first time after a very long while, she was wearing a makeup louder than two yoruba women gisting, her lips red like those fresh tomatoes I pass by at the market, immediately I saw her my mind raced back to the girl I had a crush on while I was still in secondary school.

I just got into the senior secondary and it was an all boys school the famous Stella Maris College (nicknamed as suffer man college because of the acronym) which we did not have the luxury of having a female companion in class except maybe she is a teacher and the only time we have such opportunities is after school which we share the road with the famous Harbour Road Girls College, yes that was her school.
I first saw her one faithful afternoon after we have closed from school and she was standing just across the road with a few friends, our eyes locked on each other and she smiled at me but I couldn't hold her gaze so I shyly took my eyes away but I went home that day with her picture all up in my thought. She was just beautiful with a neat haircut that matched her face and her white uniform was neatly ironed along with her purple skirt, her sandals were polished as it adorns her feet with a pair of white socks, that was still shining like she bought them that afternoon and decided to try it on.
Just that few minutes i stood there I was able to picture her and how neat and smart she appeared, "maybe it's because it's monday" I said to myself, but I went home that evening hoping to see more of her and maybe talk her too someday.

Just like I wished but instead of just once it became almost a daily affair, our paths crossed almost everyday at the same spot where we first saw each other and every time she sees me she'll whisper something to her friends and they'll all laugh but I couldn't tell if she was laughing at me or not.
I knew I liked this girl but I couldn't summon up the courage to tell her all three years of my secondary school days and almost every day we meet at the same spot and i'll just admire her neat uniform and she will always put up that cute laughter with her friends and I will shyly walk away hoping I could talk to her. It became like a daily routine like we have a time machine that tells us when we will get to that, sometimes if I get there before she does i'll wait for her hoping she comes just to admire that purple and white uniform covering her innocence.

One day I summoned up courage and I was willing to make my big move but when I saw her I froze up like an ice fish and just watched her walk her away again without saying a word not even the simplest conversation starter 'Hi' was uttered from me.
The next time I saw her all I could do was to trace her to her house but yet I didn't actually pick out the compound she entered but I was sure if I do ask around with her description one or two persons can be able to point her to me and I actually did that was when I get to know her name was Iheoma and that was all that I could tell and that was the last I ever did see of her too until today when I saw her again.

The crush I once had was gone, that natural beauty with pale lips and bright eyes, was not what I saw again, to struggle to fit into the society lady has taken over, Mary kay knows her face better her lips has kissed more lipsticks than a reverend father has to Communion. She might still be beautiful to some but I was sure my secondary crush is far gone.
She looked at me, hopefully she recognised me but I wasn't interested anymore.

Slap Sticks

I have been hearing of uniformed  men giving incessant slaps to civilians but I have never experienced it first hand. Today a friend of mine received one so hot you can be able make eba from it.

We were sitting together at the veranda when one rickety looking police van stopped by and it's occupants jumped out like they saw the leader of boko haram lying about and it is their life opportunity of capturing him, we both watched in amazement as they approached us, pointing their long guns at us and commanding us to stand up at the same time. I kept mute looking at them and hoping their impromptu charade will just wear off soon so we can continue our gist.

One of the police men looked at us sternly and asked why we were laughing at them and my friend amused by the question gave a little chuckle and there it comes, the very thunder sango commanded was on his face from the palm of this police man, even me, I felt the sting of the slap in my veins and immediately I had goosebumps like bathing cold water in hammartan.

He wasn't through though but I managed to explain to him that I was just sharing a joke to my friend about a girl I met in the bus though stuttering, I couldn't tell why he believed me but he became calm and told us to be careful next time before matching back to their van.
I knew it wasn't funny but inside of me I almost died of laughter infact he went straight to his room and fell asleep and by the time he woke up his face is swollen and I could still feel the tribal marks the police man gave him from his palm.

I learnt my lesson never to laugh at mopol or I will end up with a self inflicted tattoo on my face.