Love and Social Network

The urge to fall in love again was so strong, to be called baby and knowing that someone somewhere is probably thinking about me before she falls asleep was just ravishing my mind but then I don't want to fall in love with my phone anymore.

My past relationships has just been on social network, long texting, calls and what ever display of affection my phone could possibly give.
I met this yoruba girl once on 2go, then that was like the biggest chatting network and we had a sweet romance. She would call me and we will talk for long and the good thing then the mobile network providers was generous enough to give free calls at night and like an owl i'll keep my two large eyes open with just a hundred naira airtime that can enable the call.
She was in faraway Nassarawa and I was in Port harcourt, so the chances of us seeing was very slim even thinner than a sewing thread but then we were so in love at least that was what our phones were made to believe.
It was a sweet relationship even when I knew she already had a son, I still stuck to her and was hoping when it's time for marriage my parents will understand but our romance couldn't last long like our cheap data, we started falling apart our goodnight kiss reduced the rate at which we called slowed down and then this other Bayelsa girl appeared like a ghost from a horror film.

At first it wasn't serious, I just took it as one of those phone flings definitely this will pass away but the closer we get the more we found out that there are similarities in the things we like and this grew our bond a bit strong.

At first she refused to tell me her name with the fear that I might be a ritualist and needs it for some kind of blood money ritual, which was really funny to me, and after much persuasion she told me her name is Precious which I didn't take was rather a precious name good enough for blood money.

I actually didn't take her serious until she told me she was coming to port harcourt to see me that was when I knew it was real. Did I mention she was at Abuja? Ok I just did.
She was actually my first real girl friend, though after spending one week with me she left back and I returned back to the blissful relationship I had with my phone because that was the only way I could get in touch with her.
We continued our phonemance for a while until she got tired of asking me to come and visit and broke up with me.
Then I made up my mind never to fall in love on social network anymore and even if I do it will be someone from the same city but then love is also hard to come by, I was hoping I will run into someone in a wedding or concert but the truth is I am still in love with social network and now I have a variety to choose from.

Right now I can't tell if the girl of my dream is on facebook or I already have her number on whatsapp or maybe she is one of my numerous BBM contacts I don't chat with or one of the people liking my pictures on instagram or one of my numerous followers on Twitter waiting for me to dm.

The truth is I will always be in love with social media and I just can't help it Cause that's where all the fine girls are even when we can't tell if their beauty was filter enabled.

Referral and Percentage

Referrals and percentage two words entertainers and event managers have come to synchronise and make it part of the business.

First of all percentage based on referrals can't be called bad in the business but when people ask you for percentage from a meagre fee then you will understand the struggle of having a business plan as an entertainer.
Event managers and show promoters have actually made this part of their duty that for every job they refer you to they get a certain percentage of the fee paid and most times entertainers agree to this and the kick back fee is shared almost the same amount with the artist so it's more like sharing the stage with the talent doing nothing and getting paid.
Don't get me wrong kick back fee is more like saying thank you for bringing the job to me but it's an appreciation and it should be left for the artist to say take this amount for referring me to this client but it's not the case infact they tell you the exact amount they want from you not minding if you are okay with it or not.

I've heard cases were the money for the job is not up to 10,000 naira and the referral is asking for kick back, for goodness sake how much is the talent going home with if out of 10,000 you want an appreciation that is more than thank you. The funny part now is that it's not just event managers alone but artists too do same infact there case could be worse (am not talking about the part, where they discuss a different price and beg you to collect something different because they make you believe you are friends.

Well I've heard a case where the referral was asking for 50% after the talent has paid 10%.. call me ignorant but that is greed in the highest order.

One may ask how do we stop this, the truth it can't be stopped because people will always refer you and you have to show your gratitude. But there is a business phase to this, get a manager, that way your manager handles all your business and even when you are getting referrals it is your manager that determines if it is good for a kick back or not and you know it is you and your manager that is talking percentage except you prefer the condition of getting to give percentages you are not comfortable with then you can leave a manager out of the picture.

I guess I have to leave here now cause I also have a kick back percentage to give to a referral, I mean we are still in business right?

Brain is The New Boobs

As for the bandwagon of girls who have adopted the saying that “ALL GUYS ARE THE SAME” as their praise and worship song or subscribed to all other notions that are related to the saying that guys are totally and mentally controlled by there ever stubborn and excited d**ks or c**ks or any funny name you call the little man below the belt, it’s not like I disagree with you but there is always an error of exception in every gross generalisation.
To intentionally or unintentionally attract and secure the attention of any responsible guy who is serious with life and will in turn respect you for something, you have to do something above or a little more than appearing indecently naked in public places, going to very club and when you hear its young john the wicked producer, you start twerking like your whole life depends on it, Or becoming a sex ATM or device by sharing sex like a priest sharing holy communion in the church, or become a walking sub-division of cosmetic and fashion industries by investing recklessly on your appearance while you starve your brain and common sense to death.
Of course, when you do everything listed above as common as they are, every guy will feed their eyes as far as that has not yet been made illegal, then a particular bunch of guys will flock around you and make you feel like the queen of 21st century flexing world and commander in chief of the federal republic of boys. These guys will feed you with the best garnished delicacies of beautiful delicious lies in the arsenal of every guy’s wooing menu, and trust me; you are going to like the temporal feeling you get from it while it lasts.
To be brutally honest with you, girls like this are part of the main reason why some guys use demeaning and disgusting words like “fish brain”, “cheap article” and “public toilet” to describe some girls.
Still on a honest note, the most honest time in every guy’s life is when he sits in company of a group of guys whom he is very comfortable with (guys of the same blood group, if you know what I mean) and that is when even the guys who flock around you will celebrate and advertise your foolishness in your absence to others, to make matters worse, guys who know you will point at you, tap their fellow guy and ask, F**KABLE OR WIFEABLE???? You can guess the answer to that question because your answer is as good as correct.
Am not about to encourage laziness or laxity but if you like you can cook indomie with granulated sugar and a mixture of hypo and detol or be a kitchen pro. If you like do laundry and house chores more than a housemaid from Ogoni or Akwa Ibom (they are hardworking girls, no offence intended) or not. If you like have a look of a miss world contestant or a village masquerade. If you like set monkey, butterfly and dog style in bed like a prostitute with 35 years working experience and a PhD in prostitutionology. Whichever one you do is all good for you but when you are intellectually productive, you already have a little above average or pass mark in the sight of the opposite sex, every other thing is secondary and negotiable.
Mind you, intellectual productivity is not just and only going to school and passing your exams with good grades, you can be the best in academics and still be eligible or most qualified for a certificate or award for the dumbest creature that planet earth has ever accommodated, yes I said so!
Intellectual productivity is simply investing in or feeding your brain by doing damage to your ignorance in almost everything, by everything here I mean the good, the bad and the baddest. The result of this is exclusively and unimaginably perfect because you will be transformed to the point that every aspect of your life will be affected (appearance/ modus operandi/ behaviour/ interaction/ all round skills in everywhere including the kitchen and the other room e.t.c)
In a close contact or conversation with a person who is intellectually productive, you will literally and figuratively see perfect sense, impressions and ideas of golden and diamond value coming out of them all in form of words and action, that’s what i meant when i said exclusively and unimaginably perfect. The more intellectually productive you are, the more you attract reasonable people to yourself even without knowing. The advantages of intellectual productivity cannot be over emphasised or encapsulated, in fact there are no dull moments with people of intellectual productivity.
Our dear human creatures of feminine characteristics, in the sight of the guys who are able to identify, respect, appreciate and love the good things of life, if you are intellectually productive and you apply prudence and moderation to all you do, no matter in what capacity you are serving, as a sister or platonic friend or girlfriend/ex gf or wife/ex wife, church member, school or course mate, YOU WILL ALWAYS BE BAE, ANY DAY, ANYTIME!!!
#Copyright c 2016, EMMANUEL MONSI

Diamond and A Torch

I stood there at the river bank, stark naked, About to take my own destiny in my hands. With the whole village watching and my mother cried and begged me not to jump into the river.

Just two days ago news came into the village that there is something strange in the river, we all rushed to see what this might be but all we saw was a glow in the river something shinning with a great light as bright as oga Ebere's bulb when he puts on his new generator.
All our lives in that village we have never seen such not even our fore fathers witnessed a thing like this in their time. Like typical villagers we could only come up with a conclusion that it must be diamonds from a python's head based on the myths we've been told about pythons.

We all wanted this diamond as it looks like a blessing from the gods, but we were all scared to dive in and claim it, and since it was found in the community stream it means it belongs to the whole village.

It became a question of who will bell the cat, what if the python is just resting or what if it was a trap set for anyone who will dive in to claim it.
Though we've been warned by the elders not to mention it to anyone outside our small community so the next villages will not hear of it and partake in the blessing our gods have gifted us with. We are still looking for who to go in and bring out this precious stone and the day is almost gone, night has come upon us and the diamonds shine brighter from under water.

As night draws closer my mind is been made up but then I needed some sort of protection in case I encounter any strange force, "I will cross the big river to the next village" I said to myself "I hear they have powerful native doctors there".
While I was plotting my way on getting the diamond. Our village pastor whom we've all known as onye-ukachukwu has gone to the stream with a bottle of schnapp and some cola nut to appease the gods of the water and thanking it for the blessing it brought our way. The whole village was surprised that a Pastor will be giving in to fetish gods, then I knew how powerful that diamond must be and it's worth must be very huge.

At this point my mind is made up, I will be the hero the village is clamouring for, if I get this diamond out of the water, even though it proceeds will be shared by the community, I am sure I will get the lion share.
I took the small money I had on me went to the market and bought a goat then I went to the river and boarded a boat to the next village and I wasn't disappointed, I did meet a powerful native doctor who did some charm for me and he gave me some eggs and other materials I will use for incantations after collecting my goat.
That same night I went back to the village with an instruction that the incantation must be done stark naked without any cloths before I go in to claim the precious stone that will transform my life and that of my family for good.

That morning I woke up early and headed straight to the river where this great diamond that has given my people a cause of concern, my mother had pleaded that I don't do it, it is better we be in poverty than I go and kill myself, but I've made up my mind already, it is better I die trying to get rich than remain in a state of squalor.
News has gotten to the village about my bravery and like it was the village masquerade festival everyone have gathered at the stream waiting for me to do what no one was brave enough to do.
I have broken two eggs already standing fully naked in the midst of the entire village, even the elders of the village stood and watch while I make myself a hero for the village, as I broke the last egg and did the final incantation I jumped right into the river and headed straight down to the bottom but what I saw was different from what the community was actually waiting for.

I stayed under the water for some minutes and some where already thinking I was dead or maybe it was too heavy for me to pull out but I was stuck with great disappointment and I couldn't just come out with what I saw in place of the claimed diamond.
Finally I decided to surface out of the water to show my people that my bravery was actually vain, instead of the diamond I came out with a torch in my hand, which probably was dropped off by one of those night fishermen.

As I stood with the torch in my hand, I watched everyone walking out feeling disappointed and not even a sign of pity for my wasted effort, I thought about my goat, the journey to the native doctor for protection, the millions I would have made from the sale of the torch or diamond.
I was too dumbfounded to leave the spot, the water has dried off from my body. Now instead of feeling like a hero I felt more stupid in the sight of the entire village.

Till this day I'm been called diamond man, just for expressing my stupidity for a common torch.

The Other Room

Nigerians are known fir trolling on issues and events as they come maybe even make a statement about it.
There was a time it was 'OGA AT THE TOP' and a certain NSCDC top official suffered for it for not knowing the website of his organisation and goofing on national TV, Nigerians even went as far as making a T shirt just for it.
Then there was DIA 'RIS GOD that became a national slogan thanks to our then first lady whose office was not in the other room or kitchen.

Well this brings me to the most famous comedian Nigeria has at the moment, a devoted traveller and a lover of cartoons on newspaper, well if you piece everything up and concludes I am talking about President Muhammadu Buhari aka PMB well you are on your own.

Recently the first lady was talking to journalist on BBC showing how displeased she was with the way her husband and his friends (sorry cabinet) are running the country and unlike Monica Lewinsky who has promised to support the wife of her customer running for president (what am I even writing sef, sorry she said she will vote for Hillary Clinton instead of Donald Trump, who might invite her to the white house and grab her couchie) madam Aisha said she won't support her husband come 2019.

Trust bubu na, this time Lai muhammed was even shocked at his comment when he said he don't know which party his wife belongs to that her place is in the kitchen and THE OTHER ROOM and he was actually with a woman occupying the same position with him.
Well who knows maybe Aisha is very fantastic in the other room. Just after we celebrated the international girl child day encouraging education for the girl child our own president just made us understand while we were busy doing #istandwithgirls he was in THE OTHER ROOM doing only God knows what, (me I wasn't there so I can't really explain if he was lying or sitting down)

Well while everyone thinks it's morally wrong for uncle Bubu to say such we are still waiting on Lai Muhammed's version because it seems he always have something different to say about everything.

I guess I should just go to the other room and wait for your comments please who is joining me.

CHANGE

"Hold your change oh, if you no hold change I take God name beg you no enter oh" he shouted with his hoax voice more terrible than a croaking frog as his passengers entered the bus.
He has a rugged look, one that could easily point out that he is a motor park tout, there is a scar visibly marked on his neck probably from a bottle stab in a fight, his eyes were blood shot red, I doubt if they have ever been white.

I entered quietly and sat next to this fat woman with three children which she've decided to carry on her laps as well as inconvenience other passengers which happened to be me sitting next to her and immediately she gave me a warm smile and turned me into a baby sitter. Good thing I was wearing black so whatever stain may come from the child won't affect me. Then I thought about how people could trust a stranger with their child but won't with any other valuables they have on them.

On the course of the journey I found out that the child's name is Ozioma and he was rather weighty for his age, it was more like I was carrying a fat adult male than a five years old boy, I was just thinking if the boy feeds on stone that is making him that heavy.
Then the scary looking conductor brought me back to reality and asked for my bus fare there and then I realised I was having a thousand naira note on me.

Just to avoid being beaten up by this conductor who has already lost some teeth I presume was from a previous battle and is willing to loose more if anyone dares him. I decided to pay for my new madam and her stone of child who I gave space to sit on his own and one fine yellow sisi who I almost mistook as an albino, I wouldn't say she bleached to get to that condition she found herself.
Then I realised the power of change and how much power an ordinary bus conductor could possibly have if you disobeys his command.

Sugar Sugar

'Sugar sugar' that was a name I grew up to know everyone called me. I was just ten but my curiosity has taken a better part of me why I was called that in place of my real name moses.

Like every child being mischievous was just part of growing up but when you get naughty and do what grown ups do then it's way off.
I grew up from a rather terrible environment. Our house was located behind some brothels and seeing naked women from a very young age affected the way I think, it's normal for children to do what they see adults do around them and my case wasn't a different.

I decided to ask around to know what warranted that name sugar sugar, so they asked if I don't remember and I asked "remembered what", then came the story about my first sexual experience.
I was just 5 years old and like what I have been seeing those prostitutes (popularly called ashewo) do with their customers I decided to try it on this girl just same age too. On the heat of our sexcapade we were caught and punished for our sinful act at such a young age and then they asked me how it felt like and I was just being honest and said 'SUGAR SUGAR' and that was it, it became a nickname that stuck with me for a greater part of my life.

All grown now and remembering the event and it all sounded funny to me.

Secondary Crush

I saw her today for the first time after a very long while, she was wearing a makeup louder than two yoruba women gisting, her lips red like those fresh tomatoes I pass by at the market, immediately I saw her my mind raced back to the girl I had a crush on while I was still in secondary school.

I just got into the senior secondary and it was an all boys school the famous Stella Maris College (nicknamed as suffer man college because of the acronym) which we did not have the luxury of having a female companion in class except maybe she is a teacher and the only time we have such opportunities is after school which we share the road with the famous Harbour Road Girls College, yes that was her school.
I first saw her one faithful afternoon after we have closed from school and she was standing just across the road with a few friends, our eyes locked on each other and she smiled at me but I couldn't hold her gaze so I shyly took my eyes away but I went home that day with her picture all up in my thought. She was just beautiful with a neat haircut that matched her face and her white uniform was neatly ironed along with her purple skirt, her sandals were polished as it adorns her feet with a pair of white socks, that was still shining like she bought them that afternoon and decided to try it on.
Just that few minutes i stood there I was able to picture her and how neat and smart she appeared, "maybe it's because it's monday" I said to myself, but I went home that evening hoping to see more of her and maybe talk her too someday.

Just like I wished but instead of just once it became almost a daily affair, our paths crossed almost everyday at the same spot where we first saw each other and every time she sees me she'll whisper something to her friends and they'll all laugh but I couldn't tell if she was laughing at me or not.
I knew I liked this girl but I couldn't summon up the courage to tell her all three years of my secondary school days and almost every day we meet at the same spot and i'll just admire her neat uniform and she will always put up that cute laughter with her friends and I will shyly walk away hoping I could talk to her. It became like a daily routine like we have a time machine that tells us when we will get to that, sometimes if I get there before she does i'll wait for her hoping she comes just to admire that purple and white uniform covering her innocence.

One day I summoned up courage and I was willing to make my big move but when I saw her I froze up like an ice fish and just watched her walk her away again without saying a word not even the simplest conversation starter 'Hi' was uttered from me.
The next time I saw her all I could do was to trace her to her house but yet I didn't actually pick out the compound she entered but I was sure if I do ask around with her description one or two persons can be able to point her to me and I actually did that was when I get to know her name was Iheoma and that was all that I could tell and that was the last I ever did see of her too until today when I saw her again.

The crush I once had was gone, that natural beauty with pale lips and bright eyes, was not what I saw again, to struggle to fit into the society lady has taken over, Mary kay knows her face better her lips has kissed more lipsticks than a reverend father has to Communion. She might still be beautiful to some but I was sure my secondary crush is far gone.
She looked at me, hopefully she recognised me but I wasn't interested anymore.

Slap Sticks

I have been hearing of uniformed  men giving incessant slaps to civilians but I have never experienced it first hand. Today a friend of mine received one so hot you can be able make eba from it.

We were sitting together at the veranda when one rickety looking police van stopped by and it's occupants jumped out like they saw the leader of boko haram lying about and it is their life opportunity of capturing him, we both watched in amazement as they approached us, pointing their long guns at us and commanding us to stand up at the same time. I kept mute looking at them and hoping their impromptu charade will just wear off soon so we can continue our gist.

One of the police men looked at us sternly and asked why we were laughing at them and my friend amused by the question gave a little chuckle and there it comes, the very thunder sango commanded was on his face from the palm of this police man, even me, I felt the sting of the slap in my veins and immediately I had goosebumps like bathing cold water in hammartan.

He wasn't through though but I managed to explain to him that I was just sharing a joke to my friend about a girl I met in the bus though stuttering, I couldn't tell why he believed me but he became calm and told us to be careful next time before matching back to their van.
I knew it wasn't funny but inside of me I almost died of laughter infact he went straight to his room and fell asleep and by the time he woke up his face is swollen and I could still feel the tribal marks the police man gave him from his palm.

I learnt my lesson never to laugh at mopol or I will end up with a self inflicted tattoo on my face.

Being Mad and Carefree

Have you ever wondered what it feels like to be mad? Sometimes I do, I try to think about what makes them happy every time dey smile, what kind of dream they get when they do sleep.

It's not that I am planning to go mad anytime soon but with the way this country is going one cannot be so sure of his entire sanity anymore.
Truth is sometimes when I look at these mad people roaming the streets carefree I just envy them a little. They could go to sleep anywhere night catches with them, what ever they get they eat not minding if it's bad or not, or if it's even a left over from a sane man's dustbin, they have no time to check their clothes if it's clean or dirty or if it is properly starched or ironed, as long as they could get enough to keep them going it is okay for them.

I have seen a lot of mad people moving about carefree while as sane as I am, i am troubled by everyday life's issue most of which are little one may not take cognisance of.
Please if you want to go mad after reading this you have every right to, at least you won't be bothered about brushing your teeth and taking your bath. As for me I am okay with my state of mind for now.

Alcohol and Bad Decisions (The Nigerian Police)

Being drunk is one thing and going ahead to make life decisions in your state of stupor is another thing.
A lot of teenage pregnancy resulted after drunken Sex and whether you believe it or yes that is a life decision too a very serious one.
You know after a good party and every one is either high on booze or very stoned they get so horny and it could lead to unprotected sex, well this is not why I am writing this article besides teenage pregnancy a lot of other stupid things have happened after alcohol consumption but let me get to the real point now.

I have seen a lot of Police men (I mean our own naija police) who will go drinking with there uniforms on, besides the fact that I think we have the most Irresponsible police officers in the world, their drinking problem is also topping the league.
I have seen police officers on duty with their uniforms not tucked in and bathroom slippers on their feet with a rifle, I think that is super classy.

The fact that we have a lot of cases where police men are trigger happy and they go off the radar most times shooting and killing innocent people I can attribute that to alcohol,
They may be sober at the moment but in recent times it is a habit for them to be smoking while driving around and I wonder where the decency in police work lies, in such a state any thing can happen that can warrant them making a serious decision with the rifle in their possession.

I don't mean to ridicule them but if I can recall I don't think being a police officer is something any parent in Nigeria will dream for their child to become, maybe because of how un-noble they have appeared to be in the eyes of the society.

Let me just rest my case before someone will go and do aproko for my head and report me to police..  

Photo credits: dailypost.ng

Police Wahalla

I sat still like an unwanted guest in a dinner party. We were just driving out of a printing press when they asked us to park and asked my friend driving to come down from his car, as a good citizen without ill intentions we obliged and they ask to search the booth of the car, the next thing I heard was "what do you say you do again, you say you are a medical doctor Abi. Where is your i.d card to prove it".
While my friend was still trying to explain himself as a medical laboratory scientist, they concluded he was a fake doctor and ask him to join there own vehicle like he needed a ride from them.

That was how our long journey began driving around the streets of diobu aimlessly in a guise to be heading to nowhere in particular.
I have heard of cases of police unlawfully arresting people but today I witnessed it first hand. These men where fully armed and looked ready to combat any form of attack thrown their way. But no they were actually out for the weak and clueless. Parading the streets look for their victims like predators.

Well to cut the whole story short they let us go with a little fee of bail after burning out the fuel in our car and practically holding us against no crime in particular.
Police men are the shadiest (don't know if that is even a word) public servants ever, they generate schemes on how to get money and being the law, they could hold you up for anything. The most painful part is when their big ogas keep saying they don't collect money and they are road block free, well I beg to differ in all standards, maybe they themselves should come out in disguise and see for themselves how their officers actually work.

I plead to rest my case until further disruption of human peace and personal tranquility (I wish I knew what that means by the way)

I love to take a walk through the minds of people 

Think like they do and fit my tiny legs in their smelly shoes 

One time I did take a long walk in the mind of a mad man 

Picking out every rubbish thought in my head as I walked aimlessly up and down 

I amused myself by every silly thing that goes by 

Then I found the freedom of being carefree without a dime 

Another time I took a walk through the mind of a very rich man 

Spending money I never had 

And built myself a castle I never lived in 

What's the point of struggling to eat 

When my dreams are filled with nothing but a very merry feast 

Although I couldn't walk too far to fulfil my fantasy 

Cause reality slapped me in the face with a rumble in my tummy 

This time I took a slow walk through the mind of a broken woman 

Crying every night and wishing there was no such thing like a bad omen 

It was quite depressing and suicide was my only solution 

But I couldn't walk that lane cause it gave me blurry vision 

This wasn't a good road I must confess 

So I walked right back to myself 

                  ~NWACHi~ 

Nigerians Dont Mind Their Business

The problem with Nigerians is that we don't mind our business and we are good with putting our nose where it doesn't belong.

Take for instance we have our own local football league but we'll rather be rooting for some club in Europe that doesn't know we are selling a lot of their fake jersey here and to make matters worst we have people who will go as far as killing you if you insult their clubs. That is not our business but we care way too much.
Sometimes I am forced to believe that we are more fanatic now than the Europeans.. well that is not my business too.

Also America's presidential election is coming soon and trust us na, we have carry their matter for our head like gala sellers at Rumuola traffic. Now some Nigerians have pitched their tents either with the Egocentric billionaire Donald Trump or the former first lady turned presidential candidate at least she didn't pick her husband as running mate Mrs Hillary Clinton.
I heard some Nigerians comparing them to either Buhari or Jonathan, well me I am yet to see a similarity.
It is not our business who wins the election, they will not come and give us good roads or constant electric, they have their own problems to face there but Nigerians are already choosing for them, go to news paper stand and see how they have left our own noble and honourable PDP and APC and now they have focused on Trump vs Clinton.
Maybe it is our business but it should be concerned with those it concerns...

Remember when Obama was running for president and a fund raising dinner was held for him in Nigeria here. I don't know if that one is our business sha but it wasn't Obama's business and he made it clear by avoiding us in all his eight years as a president.

Well all that is not my business sha like Daniel Ortega picking his wife as his running mate in Nicaragua, I think that man is trying to protect his business...
Let me go and mind my business biko, please you should mind your business after this post sha

#SaveMayowa Burial Funds

Just two days ago I saw the picture of a young woman who would be in her twenties or so If I am not mistaking, she looked very sick and there is a message out their for people to donate for her treatment.
So I was trying to know what kind of sickness that could make one look so frailed but every message is just saying #savemayowa. It was later I saw one that says she has ovarian cancer.
Well just this afternoon a new post has surfaced from Linda Ikeji's Blog that it was a scam, the family knew she would die and they went ahead to raise money from good loving people.

Me on the other hand I just think that it's not as we see it, agreed the family knew she would die but the money was not for her treatment but burial or some sort.
Heard they raised about thirty million or so, the thing here is that burials are very expensive in Nigeria, it is more like a farewell party these days, so giving their beloved daughter a befitting burial is not such a bad idea after all and we should be grateful we contributed to that.

Now the only issue is that Nigerians as I know us won't comply to anymore donation to save a life, we can't let people scam us twice and if this is not looked into it will become a new hustle trust nigerians na..

Well let me just go and finish my bole and fish before it cold, since I don't have any other meaningful thing to do

Beggars With Rights

As we alighted from the taxi, we stood and waited for the driver to give us our change. Just a few minutes walk from the taxi we saw this old freckled looking man who would walk up to anyone asking for help.
He was in a pitiable position, so we thought of helping out (well my friend actually did). We've gone past him already so we went back to ask what he actually wanted, thinking he was looking for transport fare but to our surprise he brought out an asthmatic inhaler and showed us that he needed money to buy one.
Then I remembered having similar incident where a man came to me with the same asthma issue and I parted with a thousand naira hoping I was helping him.

This is just another cheap scam though, because immediately we said we didn't have money for inhaler he started cursing out, telling us how his god is bigger than us and all other crap.
I thought to myself if he has a family, will he be out there looking for who to buy him inhaler at the dead of the night or is this just a way he gets his daily bread, the city is filled with people like this who comes up with different stories just to extort money from people, either they went to visit a brother who is not around or their wife just delivered a set of twins and they needed money to pay the hospital bill or a very special case of a young man who is always going to uniport and needed transport fare.

The point is these beggars in a way have rights, they will tell what they want and the amount of money they hope to get from you.
You can't freely give anymore cause you don't know who is telling the truth about their situation anymore.
Just as we walked out on him I saw him going to another person for his inhaler money and it's past 10.00 pm already just wondering if he would meet his target that night

America's Newd First Lady

Being the nerd that I am, I think social media has taken away my social life. But who cares about me when there are more pressing issues going on in the world right now..

Let's take America for example (not the continent but the country... don't know why we even call them that) they have a lot of history to be made in the forth coming election. If Hillary Clinton emerges winner she'll be the first woman to become president in America and if Donald Trump wins then his wife becomes the first woman to be a first lady with her nudes out their in the world (that's some record too you know?).
Well that not being the only thing she has going for her right now...
The Internet was trolling her for the recent speech made, which by the way was a brilliant one if it wasn't known to the world to be an excerpt of Michelle Obama's speech but she is a Trump na, they can say what they like whether it's somebody's speech or not it's not their business.
I wouldn't blame Melania Trump though, I mean if Michelle gave all black women hope that they too can be a first lady despite their skin color I think Melania just proved that Kim khadasian, amber rose, blac chyna and any other stripper out there can rise to the position of a first lady just get married to the right man, with an ambition and be able to read other people's speeches it's that simple..

Well enough of all these talk about Melania, I think if Patience Jonathan was busy stealing other people's speech we won't have had all the comedy she gave us.

I think I should just shut up already.. please anyone with useful information about the Remi Tinubu vs Dino Melaye fight, I lost track on who was leading with the women protest

Nigeria; a Comedy of Errors

Been a while I wrote anything meaningful, but to take a good look at all that's happened so far and be sane in this country then you must be really tough minded...
I mean our president going deaf and abandoning all the medical centres in Nigeria to go to London for treatment, we could have blamed it on incompetence on the part of medical practitioners who won't mind going on strike while there is a drip running in your system or rather the fact that he himself have a fetish for international flight...
I mean the man is so patriotic that he dodged two visits one to Lagos and another to Port Harcourt, but he was well enough to fly out of the country.. issoright

We cannot down look the job of the anti-graft agency too who has been helpful in curbing corruption even though the lot of nigerians have been complaining that it's one sided (Ok not all, mostly PDP)... but still though there is one governor who do thinks the EFCC is too corrupt to fight corruption after he was indicted and he himself decides to drag the first lady into the fight...

We know mama peace was quite a character but you see Aunty Aisha could not hold it back when Fayose called her out... and like everybody who has been giving us something to trend on Twitter she took to her twitter handle and called Fayose a MAD DOG...
Well we were made to believe that the account was hacked and had been rectified in less than 24 hours but it didn't change the Fact that Fayose is still a mad dog...
And our first lady have joined Davido and his colleagues in registering her name on the list of twitter ranters (whatever that means)

I should go on but you see me I don't like trouble before Lai Muhammed will come and add the one I did not talk like the fresh tomato case that was caused by boko haram (actually in lai's statement)
So to avoid trouble lemme just put my full stop now.

Autism Is Better Than Madness

It's not every time we write about the ills of the society, sometimes when we see a good deed done by a Nigerian whether notable or not at least we should grace them with a little acknowledgement..

Today I saw one of the most amazing things that could go viral if photos were taken and posted online.. a certain young man suffering from autism who goes around in a popular market in the city of port harcourt preaching to market women and anyone who cares to listen..
Actually at a point I stopped believing in what these people do cause most of them have turned it into money making venture but I still think though there are a few genuine ones..
Well that is not my focus for now, the young autistic preacher today was giving out clothes to certain man I believed to be mentally deranged.. because he is not a politician or some celebrity he could not get a camera man to film it so he could brag about his generosity but I saw smiles on his face with a proof of joy that he is doing something good.

The moral here is that you don't really need to be super rich to affect a life.. you can bless people even with the little you have..
I think I learnt more than enough from this, if you think you are better than someone don't just laugh at them or scorn them help them out and they'll be happy you did...
The man with autism just proved himself better than the mad man

Man On A Pole; Put the Blame on Fashola

If you've seen the movie man on the ledge, yeah that one that have Sam Worthington on it... yeah that movie he climbed a very high building threatening to kill himself and then there was serious negotiation going on to save his life, then you will relate perfectly fine to what I'm about to write now...

Just few days ago a man climbed the top of a high tension pole threatening to kill himself if he wasn't giving 5 million naira..
That was risky you will say but let's take a little chill pill and reflect on some things that really got me thinking...

In such a situation there will be some negotiation which is supposed to bring this man to his senses and make him come down..
Then one will ask again how did he climb to the top of the pole with a bare body and was even standing on the wires... that is a first point of insult to Fashola, former Lagos State governor and current minister of power..
How? You will ask... it is his duty that there should be steady power supply, Ok maybe not steady but at least there should be power supply no matter how faint it may be and if he could climb there and is still alive to make demands then something is really wrong somewhere..

Well let's not cast all blames on fashola at least it wasn't until yesterday our budget of change was signed and they are yet to mobilise the allocation to every ministry and parastatal... it is totally not his fault
Maybe we should blame Ambode for that, or let's just leave the blames and focus on why the negotiation didn't work in the man's favour...

From what I heard, he was attended to by the state fire service and the police who was just trying to be a good citizen... but since the man was insisting on his 5 million naira and they themselves they are not earning five million naira even in a full year they decided to leave the man there... after all no be them send am to climb pole, and even if the money come sef wetin be there cut inside... someone will ask why didn't the government give in to his demands... well when that man climbed that pole our budget is yet to be signed so there was no allocation for suicide yet, Abi from which ministry would they have paid him from..

But the real truth is that nobody wants to die at all... else why would you go and climb electric pole when there is no light and you kukuma know say dem no go bring the light too... remember teebillz, ehn Aunty tiwa husband Shey him too say he wants to kill himself then e announce am on social media first..
If you want to die is it not to write suicide not and unlock your phone then you kill yourself and someone will find your body..

I am sure if that pole man had succeed by now people will be dragging space on poles..
Me I cannot come and go and kee myself on top nepa pole..
#satiricalsaturday

NEW JOB ALERT; Lai Muhammed and the masqueraders

After a very long break, I think Lai muhammed knows how to bring one out of hiding..
I have been trying so hard to ignore all the ridiculous issues that've been popping up like Google ads in Nigeria but I think this one is a huge masquerade I can't ignore...

When Labran Maku made that statement about Goodluck Jonathan bringing facebook to Nigeria, I was thinking he is the most misinformed minister of information but since the arrival of uncle Lai Muhammed I just can't place anything worse anymore...

Besides a lot of ridiculous statements he has made in recent times I think the masquerade jobs is the king of all for now though (he still has three more years before we are sure of no more ridiculous statements)
Well I wouldn't blame him much, if our minister of science and technology could be thinking of pencils in a digital age while won't Lai Muhammed think of bringing back masquerades, I think the man thought of his old job and how beneficial it was to him back then in the village and decided to solve nigeria's looming problem of unemployment by suggesting styling a masquerade...

I'm sure swanky jerry will be thinking about this new job offer by now..
I mean one masquerade equals one thousand jobs, judging from how much these masquerades make from their parade you can bet the salary will be enviable and soon enough there will be ministry of masquerade dressing...

Me I'm even jobless sef... being a comedian doesn't pay as much as you could think anymore since they started probing people and right now the second option is to go to mother's village in Ebonyi state, they have plenty of masquerade there lemme see if I can secure one well payed job there...

Please if you are related to any of the senators with the new SUV, I wouldn't mind a ride in one of them while I await my masquerade job. #midweeksatire

Nigerian senators are very generous

Being a citizen of Nigeria is getting tougher by the day..
You just can't raise your hand up and say I am proudly nigerian when you realise all that is happening at the moment, although I'm not saying you should pledge your allegiance somewhere else. All I'm saying is its just not what it looks like when painted in green and white...

Now to start with the long term fuel scarcity that was like a plague to the nation where fuel was almost sold at 500 naira per litre and our supposed minister of petroleum did not do his bit to assure us all will be well but was on a travelling spree.. well maybe he went to beg for fuel, as they could not perform neither magic nor miracle to stabilise the price of fuel..
With all things returning to normalcy I guess I can let go for now

Another issue bothering nigerians now is the cattle grazing bill we are busy saying no to...
For a start if the fulani herdsmen taking there cattle to graze in other people's farm land is causing trouble is it not right we import grasses from Brazil and give them a large piece of land to graze their cattles? I'm just saying, maybe this is the first solution our government have to a problem why not give it a try..
Well I guess that is not important at all and by the way where do these herdsmen get the guns and other weapons they use... (no be me start the talk oh)

Thank God the president is back from China, at least maybe a few national issues will be addressed before the next trip, and everyone who is against the presidential Chinese trip should at least have a second thought, maybe he told us he went to collect loan but I on the other hand I'm thinking he went to appreciate china for saving the nigerian government from incompetency...
I'm sure some of you will ask how it is simple.. since our government can't give us steady power supply china provided an alternative and gave us generators and rechargeable torches and fans and other small gadgets that are very useful to us nigerians..
You see the visit was a diplomatic one which we need to applaud the president for and even if he went to collect loan he was only trying to borrow the money we gave them to doing business I'm sure there was no pay back plan for it.. well let me not be too sure but it was a wise move. Those people don chop our money well well since we can produce any merchandise they will need let's collect our money back...

Please don't take it the wrong way I am not fayose who is not thinking straight Mr. President just go back and collect the money we need it for other purposes...

I know we nigerians are generous our senators just confirmed it... we will rather pay double the amount than pay the real price..
I don't think we know how this works yet but we will surely understand it is important for our own good...
If we must fight corruption we need to start spending like the past corrupt leaders else we won't know how to tackle them...
I just love being a nigerian at least we are very generous.. FYI I have some properties for sale but you have to pay double the original price

Fuel Scarcity in Nigeria; Should We Blame The President or Minister of Petroleum

I love my country no matter what happens but...
Now, when you use but in a sentence it means it's not really what you wanted to say, though I do not mean otherwise too. I am just saying a lot is going on right now and we need to address it...

We are having a lingering fuel scarcity in the country which have made the price of fuel sold at our local fuel station indecisive adding with the faulty machine that reads what ever it likes, well, but who can we blame for that. Is it the president or minister of petroleum? But since its just one person occupying both positions we should just blame them both...
On the other hand the minister of petroleum state actually took the fall for it, and not like he decided to be the Jesus it just happened that the minister of petroleum is not available for scrutiny so someone needs to take the blame and there goes Mr. Kachikwu who cannot perform magic to stabilise the problem at hand...
Well since they promised us fuel will sell at 40 naira per litre.. we will just continue to queue until then..
It looks like it's bad but come to think of it there have been massive job creation since this fuel wahala started at least a lot of people have joined the oil and gas sector.. or haven't you noticed those vendors who sell black market fuel close to the same petrol station you have been queueing up for days on end, Abi you wan tell me say that one too no be job?
Well I rest my case before someone comes and give me a dirty slap but trust me like a good christian i'll return it in double fold... after all #iamnotstandingwithanyone

Rivers Re-run Elections; A Rat Race

Just this past weekend rivers state experienced another mini episode of unrest, well it's just the usual election drill, snatching of ballot boxes fake electoral papers, political thugs, clueless party agents and ignorant voters lining up.. maybe they did take it up a bit this time using social media as iwitness report to give us happenings at election ground...

However it was the most awkward media report I've seen in my entire life except something more stupid tops that in the future for now it stays number one...
Well both parties were taking turns to post same pictures accusing each other of thuggery... I could have let that pass but it was kind of confusing because it was meant to be propaganda to out do themselves but it was more like two stupid girls trying to use same lie to win a guy over

I really don't know how the praise singers of these politicians think but everyone's brain is not really under their flip flops...
And to think of the most obscured the only thing they normally provide for their subjects who would have to stand under scorching sun to vote them which use to be rice and groundnut oil did not surface, so now we would only think of our benefits for voting them as nothing

I am just saying when they get up there its done no one cares again until it's time to make campaign promises again they will return like king Kong and climbed the towers of our head making us feel important until after the elections (I call that wili-wili politics)...

Well for those that died during the process it's a shame your blood counted instead of your votes, and FYI the people you died for forgets you as soon as results will be called (who am I kidding you won't even know I wrote this article, you guys are dead) but it's actually the end...

Well at least me my pvc is not wasting, I'm actually using it properly to clear myself when they ask for a valid identification...

Lemme just go before PDP will say APC sent me, then another APC guy will pin point me to PDP... lemme just clear the politically I stand with KOWA (don't even know what that stands for)

Rivers Politics; A Charade Of Stupidness

Rivers state used to be peaceful and level headed but something went wrong, that I can't say for sure but power was mishandled and politics became a bloody war...

The past governor and the present are just two adults wearing diaper, with the kind of utterance they make you will just start thinking how did these two people got trusted with our vote of confidence... well maybe they rigged the vote but I'm sure we voted too...

The fact that there is an election coming doesn't mean one should run for his dear life... Ok wait to be safe here you better run and don't look back like lot...
The same politicians who are sponsoring a non-violence election campaign on every mass media platform are the same politicians thugs are killing themselves over for, you see why you shouldn't believe them when they make their promises to serve and protect us, well they are actually serving and protecting their loot....

My question is how on earth did we get to this point of no return, I would have loved to see an election where people qeue up to vote genuinely and are not waiting for tips after selling their votes for rice and ground nut oil or some 500 naira stipends, where you have to understand that these politicians don't bring their children and family members to the political war they have engaged you on...

They make sure you don't get enough and make you appreciate them for providing you with basic amenities which is part of your tax money...

I know the past and present governors used to be buddies.. but hey even africa's most famous twins have broken up like two teenagers in a bad relationship, my point here is that both of them should just take their beef to twitter or Instagram I heard beefs are very tasty there and stop polluting the state with their stinking dirty laundry we don't care about that...
I mean knowing about their dirty lives doesn't change the fact that pure water is now being sold for 20 naira...
Well all these fighting is just incessant and uncalled for. Even uncle Trump is proven smarter than this two put together at least he is making sense to the true Americans that have pretend to love the rest of the world when they clearly don't but our governor buddies on the other hand... well lemme leave them alone before they come beat me up and start saying it's both of them with accusing fingers pointing at either direction...

I'm done here

RSVP- Rice and Stew Very Plenty

Just married or about to wed? There is always a plan for every wedding and that plan begins with the invitation card...
A lot of nigerians have been guilty of the RSVP (respondez s' il vous plait) which literally means respond if you will come let's make your reservations.. but not in Nigeria not at all it means Rice and Stew Very Plenty, and you can tell by the names and number provided by the couple in charge...

Most wedding cards RSVP is just to show how connected they are or one rich uncle or relation that will be sponsoring the wedding.. so in most cases you get a wedding card and you look at the RSVP it's the name of some highly placed individual in the society who knows little or nothing about the wedding preparations or why his number is placed on the RSVP list...

Sometimes we mistake this part of the wedding card to be names of chairman and members of the prestigious high table so it is very proper we fill them in..
I on the other hand wouldn't cast much blame to people who fall into this RSVP trap cause that is what they have seen people do and they on the other hand do not have any concrete plan as to how many people they are supposed to house as guest...

A lot of people get angry when you don't show up at their wedding whether invited or not, they don't care if the hall was flooded with people or if the food did not get to everyone it is not important what is important is that they have a mass attendance at their reception... in fact wedding crashing is not an option on the other hand they will pray as many people as possible crashes the wedding to the ground because the number of persons present at the reception could tell how successful the wedding is..
Because you don't have a plan you decide who gets your souvenir by the number of wedding gifts you get...

The real idea of an rsvp is to know the number of persons you are planning to receive as guest that way you can plan towards that number in terms of feeding and souvenir so you can be able to know the size of your budget but hell no I've seen people distributing wedding cards like it's a concert flyer and most times they forget the hall is supposed to hold just 200 persons but they want 400 in attendance

Next time you get a wedding card try calling the rsvp to make your reservations just to see if they are aware of their duty post...
Well for now i'll just rest my case and wait till Saturday when i'll be crashing another wedding..

licensed to preach in kaduna state

I'm putting my thoughts on display again, like I said my thoughts just my opinion. It doesn't matter if it counts or not what's important is that it shows you what I'm thinking or mostly how ridiculous I can see normal issues...
Sorry I forgot to tell you these thoughts of mine are from the most ridiculous part of my brain, I don't know if you have yours?

Now to the real reason why I was explaining myself for no particular reason to you who doesn't care, a lot has happened in just few days since my last satirical article so much to give me enough to write about but I'll just try and focus on one..

To be sincere the issue of nigerians to be paid 5000 naira by the presidency which is now not an issue any more since our president could not recall ever a time he said that and then later it was said to be the political party he was voted on that made it as part of their campaign promise and not the presidency...
I think every jobless nigerian should understand that it is a norm not to fulfil campaign promise in Nigeria yet they won't let our president enjoy his abroad trips in peace...

Next I would have talked about is the importation of grasses from Brazil which when I looked up on it has a justifiable means to that, I mean the fulani herdsmen going through people's farm and later causing a fracas that will lead to bloody deaths should be curtailed so we need foreign grasses to keep them in check, well i'll just leave it to our famed twitter senator uncle Ben Murray Bruce to handle that since we are still trying to buy Nigeria to grow naira (that is the only protein it needs to grow)

Okay now to my issue of today, the recent bill being sponsored by the governor of kaduna state to place a ban on unlicensed preachers or public display of religiosity (if that ever is a word). So my thought on this is that before you preach or do any religious gathering you have to seek for license which could be granted to you maybe if they have a knowledge of what you are gathering for in other words if you get the license and they happen to understand that you are talking down someone else's religion or inciting some negative thoughts your license could be revoked and you do two years prison term...

Funny enough we will be needing license to go to evangelism and to play gospel messages and all those church songs too...
Before you put horn speakers you should know that there will be a license for that too...

What's important right now is the fact that you may not want to whistle any church song in public anymore cause you don't know who is behind you waiting to report you to the authorities..
Well good thing this is just happening in kaduna state alone for now... Ok it's yet to be a law cause all these people who have decided to open in a ministry in the market where they now use as a daily hustle to prophesy to market women and collect offering... well the end point is that the gospel must be preached whether licensed or not and this applies to every religion not just Christians

I need to get my license before I hit kaduna state for any event cause we can't tell what they consider as gospel or not...
On this note I say goodbye

Ese Oruru; a case of Kidnap and Child Molestation

The Ese Oruru story has raised a lot of mixed reactions amongst nigerians... I have read a lot of posts about this issue with blames on the girl and the mother from people who were quick to jump into conclusion like a happy frog, without following through the real story... I am not close to both mother and daughter neither was I close to the culprit either, but from every single detail gathered from news papers that tried to give us a first hand information of the said incident, it was clear that this was a case of African voodoo used to manipulate the mind of the little girl... Like they claimed she eloped with the said yinusa guy, why are they trying to falsify her age to fit their marriage requirement.. and how come they were the ones shielding her from her mother... This is really a crazy story, this is child molestation, rape and abuse, the authorities involved should not let the culprit go unpunished or else they will be giving room for more abduction of the girl child While the story of the chibok girls abducted by boko haram is slowly fading out like cassette player on its last song justice is yet to prevail. Let's not make the Ese Oruru case just another news story with a happy ending like it's a fairy tale, prosecute whosoever is involved and let that little girl and every other child that is being held up against their will be hopeful of a better tomorrow

Whats your genre as a comedian

Over the years besides being a performing comedian, I have also taken out time to study comedy as an art in a bid to understand the undertone behind all the funniness.. and upon discovery I have found out how broad comedy is... Just like music, comedy too have genres and this genres are definitive of your style as a comedian... n/b being spontaneous is not a genre it's just an added advantage that comes with the art which enables a comedian freestyle with the audience displaying his wits... Now back to the order of the day, this genres varies according to the said style and topics a comedian chooses as his focal point of concentration.. we have satire/topical, observation, blue, black, deadpan, insult, mockumentary, wit/wordplay, surreal, sketch, sitcom, spoof, prop, physical, musical comedy, improvisational, cringe, character and alternative comedy... All of these genres cannot be done as stand up comedy. It's a definitive term to be a comedian and specifically to be a stand up comedian this is because one can be a sketch comedian, a ventriloquist or an improv comedian or you could be an actor who specialises on comedy sketch and plays only but the problem we have now is because every one who is getting into comedy is seeing stand up as the top dog so they must hold a mic and stand in front of an audience to perform and most times end up becoming an embarrassment to the art... Comedy looks like a stupid venture but it takes a smart mind to create humour out of bizarre situations like death, accidents, earthquake, economic crunch, political drama or sometimes create a whole non-existing character and make funny stories out of it... Like Jeff Ross the king of roast who would go to prison and make jokes out inmates and yet not causing an uproar... Although my best genre of comedy is satire, and observation it's like an eye opener to certain things the society is aware of but could not see differently so as a comedian you have to give them your own point of view and make them see things the way it ought to be... You also have to understand that these genres where created by humans living as a matter of fact it is out of consistency that people could be able to say that this is a genre or style of comedy.. in other words you too can create your own genre, stick to it and make the world accept it for what it is... I think this is where I drop the pen and fall the stool as I take a voluntary bow out of the stage #goodnight and God bless Nwachi is the name

why the dollar is bigger than the naira

See how interesting the presidential race for the u.s presidency is all contestants talking about how to end the looming crisis facing the American state and people making choices based on how convinced they are about a candidate...

 Wait for 2019 when we will have another bout of election in Nigeria, all you will be hearing is propaganda and blame game on either political parties and we will have over 20 parties that will be confusing us on who to vote for not to talk about sycophants that will not let us hear word don't forget the bribes they will be giving to voters just to get them on their side knowing for a fact that their supposed candidate is not convincingly good enough for the position he is vying for...

 Well what's my own. After all this post cannot make our president sit at home and make sure 1 dollar doesn't equals 1000 naira... besides these trips are very beneficial to us after all those countries he is visiting their presidents are too lazy to travel so our president needs to visit them and foster relationships that are better than stabilising our economy... I rest my case

Ben bruce and the common sense revolution

It is just normal I make common sense on the blog today, please don't get me wrong I am not against the common sense revolution or the Nigerian youth in government but just like our famed twitter senator I'm only trying to make sense out of it all...

Senator Ben Murray Bruce is just like me, point is we are both trying our best to put the government of the day in check, difference is, I only have a small blog with less viewers while he on the other hand runs a media empire where his voice is widely heard, Ok that is a huge difference between us...
I like the idea that he is opening the mind of the common man to see what the government which he is a part of should have done but is not doing and he is using his influence in the media world to get this out there inciting a social media revolution
Now my point is uncle Ben Bruce have been in Nigeria for a long while and I get to know about him when he was the DG of NTA (at least that was when NTA was exciting to watch) all these things he is trying to make common sense about did not begin with this Buhari/ osinbanjo government and they have been there before he became a senator
At least he would have seen these and began his common sense revolution before becoming a senator of the federal republic, I would say it only makes common sense if we have been hearing his social media wailing before now and how much impact these wailings have made on us
This is how Adams oshiomole began his political career from his NLC days and incessant strikes which miraculously have reduced since he left the Nigerian Labour Congress and became a governor the change we could see was a new wife...
We've had a lot of wailing wailers who did not contribute a quota to the society after we gave them the mandate to hold public office and ended up becoming the same problem they've been complaining about
Uncle Ben Bruce should try and understand that if he makes all the common sense on TV and radio and could not put any as a bill to pass in the house of reps then it all becomes a senseless speech which is garnering social media publicity for another campaign
Whether twitter senator or twitter orubebe we all know every nigerian was born selfish and we only pursue a cause for our personal needs and I don't want to believe that all these common sense is a campaign ad for a presidential election in the future
Uncle Ben Bruce aka twitter senator I love your ideologies, I appreciate everything you have opened our eyes to see even now that you are clamouring for youth in government we as the Nigerian youth we deeply appreciate you but before you went for senate you should have asked if any youth is willing to be a senator it won't be bad if you step down for a youth to represent your constituency too
I hope I have made common sense too and one twitter orubebe will not carry my matter for e head like jerry curl, all of us na common sense we dey find..
I am not Ben Murray Bruce but I just want to make common sense

#EFCCGATE ; how broke can nigeria be

I am one person who is finding it really hard to mind my business these days especially when it has to do with the government of the day, but come to think of it democracy being the 

government of the people and by the people and for the people... I am one of the governed in a democratic state I think the business of the government is my business so i'll mind it 

And today's business is on the Economic and Financial Crimes Commission, news reaching me from the Attorney general of the federation Mr. Abubakar Malami  is that EFCC has been recovering looted funds and so far it's a reasonable amount of money good enough to begin a new country

more than $2tn has been confiscated and recovered’ in the last 12 years by the Economic and Financial Crimes Commission.”

Like I said anybody who wishes to own a country can do that with such amount judging from the current exchange rate you can own two countries with that...

Ok back to being serious, if we have recovered this amount so far how come the money never reflects on our economy, and why will our president tell us upon resumption of office that we are broke...

You see? There is a lot to how much we can achieve if we have less greed in this country I'm telling you, 

Now we are being faced with the budget and allocations from what we are hearing there is a 10 billion naira that is hiding in the education section of the budget, I wonder if the money is shy... 

Even after the whole drama and all our education sector is still lagging far behind and we will keep churning out graduate who can not tell there left from right especially when it comes to being practical, ofcourse finding X has helped Mr president to ascend his throne of leadership (what I'm I even writing sef, I mean the office of presidency) 

Please EFCC release the $2 trillion to Buhari or better still Dasuki if we can't use it for national growth let us share it as national cake...

I'm hoping we can get #EFCCgate since #dasukigate seems to be closing gradually and #laimuhammedgate doesn't seems like it's opening any time soon, all I'm saying is there should just be a  gate...

Well I'm a nigerian who is trying to mind my business, this may not make common sense to you like Ben Bruce but just agree with me anyway #midweeksatire #satiricalposts

The Nigerian Change we've been waiting for

2016 so far have been an interesting year just at the beginning of it...
This post would have come out rather earlier than this but we just have to wait a bit and let the year unfold more of its drama, sorry for the delay and at the same time thanks for the wait...

So much have happened in such a fresh year that you may one to think it's been planned from the previous year, while the Dasuki gate was still open Olisa metuh walked right through giving the story a new plot and scheme for onlookers like us and from the bail option giving to Mr Metuh you can tell that the FG is out for serious business, they are not just in a bid to recover money but also to make profit..

And from what it seems like now I think the famous Radio Biafra has voluntarily shut down on its own with their leader or director in custody no one could fit in properly to the position of insulting the federal government or other
Nigerians for no sane reason.. well until his release let our
ears enjoy peace and a little sanity

And just when we thought Kogi state has gone out of limelight they returned yesterday as the first Nigerian state to swear in a governor without a deputy, clearly enough the said deputy governor has opted out of the position with claims that after the party flag bearer died while contesting for the seat of governor he the then running mate was supposed to be the party next candidate but his party on the other hand felt he was only good enough as an assistant and not a front man rather they choose someone else instead for
 replacement and retained him as deputy..
So on the swearing date he claimed he did not get an invite well who would have thought of inviting a man to his own inauguration, i'll blame them for forgetting to send him an invite though

Moving on to changing a few things around here what a way the federal government would have ushered us into the new year than giving us the much needed change, GEJ did not do bad with the 10 naira change he gave us during his tenure from the price of petrol and now the real change agents are
making sure we leave every petrol station with 50 kobo change.. the reduction of the price of petrol from 87 naira to 86 naira 50 kobo is so much needed that Nigerians forgot to say thank you to Mr. President for his overwhelming kind gesture

In trying to make common sense I have been trying so hard so how much of it I could make from the production of pencils in a society that prints and gadgets are taking over, to some few Nigerians it's like a welcome development at least we can boast of producing something but why not
think about something that can help Grow the society instead of what is going out of style I see how backward we are trying to catch up with the rest of the world

If there is anything that we must not forget it's the Nigerian budget that got missing from the Senate like a primary school child whose note got stolen from his school bag, although we cannot tell which party is to be blamed for it but it's rather ridiculous to hear we couldn't find our budget, though on the hand I was less surprised I mean if we could be able to loose over 200 girls for more than a year now is it just a mere paper (although with the dependency of Nigerians on it) that we can't loss?

And finally rivers state is rejoicing over the victory of Gov. Wike aka daddy wiks, I'm happy too but not for him at least life will return to normal in rivers state, but daddy wiks should be very careful before Lai muhammad will allege that he used rivers money to set up WIKEPEDIA
My pencil is almost finished let me stop now and wait till they'll produce the first pencil in Nigeria and for the taking its just my satirical mind speaking this is not my real face or post or whatever